An excerpt from Spiritualty and Emotional Intelligence, 2021, by Gilmore Crosby

…Defensiveness has been so demonized in the modern corporation that most people put a lot of effort
into trying to pretend they are not feeling or being defensive, and “You’re being defensive” has become an easy way to attack someone else. Now they are trapped. If they deny or defend you have them right where you want them, like a bug squirming and thrashing as you pin them to your
collection.

This aspect of corporate culture may relieve some boredom, but it is obviously destructive. It’s far better to admit to oneself if one is feeling defensive. If so, one must perceive whatever is happening as an attack or danger of some sort. If one is aware one can then chose to:

A. Question their own perception
B. Check with the other to see if they have misunderstood the other
C. Defend
D. Do something else in the almost infinite range of possibilities.

Wallen’s aforementioned behavioral skills (see the blog post: The Interpersonal Gap Part One) help to decrease misunderstanding and hence defensiveness, and also help to deescalate defensiveness when it does happen.

Take note of option C. Defending is neither good nor bad. At times it is absolutely wise to do so. On the other hand, if one is defensive and unaware they will defend habitually. Again, that is a tiresome experience for self and other. It is certainly not likely to be mutually satisfactory. I used to do it all the time in my teens and early adulthood. I could wear my perceived attackers down with (biased) logic until they gave up and somehow got out of the conversation. If they told me I was being defensive I would defend, often by attacking (that’s the best defense, right?), until they gave up.

It took repeated feedback for me to get it into my thick head that I indeed had a habit of defending. Then I had to learn to notice when I got tense, and to question my cognitive processes. Instead of trying to “mess with me” or “control me” maybe, for example, people were asking questions because they were genuinely trying to understand. That cognitive shift led down an entirely different emotional path, much preferred by self and other. I began to get it that there was a better way. I learned that if someone was upset with me, that if I genuinely tried to help them get behaviorally specific about what I said or did, that the act of trying to understand calmed both of us and often either taught me a lesson about my impact or, more often than not, cleared up misunderstandings about what I had done or said. I’m not always aware even today, with decades of working on it, but I am likely to notice sooner instead of later if I am feeling and behaving defensively, and as soon as I notice I can calm myself and make choices about what to do. That could include explaining something (defending) if I think I have good reason to believe I understand what the other is saying and I think there is something important they are unaware of. It could also include admitting to the other that I am feeling defensive. On the other hand, I feel defensive a lot less than I used to, and I am pretty sure it is not because the rest of the world has changed. I used to get defensive about stuff that wasn’t intended the way I took it, and I have also learned that even if someone is “attacking me” I don’t have to take it personally. I don’t want to carelessly disregard other people, but I definitely don’t want to swallow their issues whole.

So be kind to yourself when you feel defensive and at least admit it to yourself. Otherwise, you will almost certainly be a prisoner of a pattern of defending. Likewise, be kind to others when they are defending. They must think they have been misunderstood or criticized in some way. Take a deep breath (in through your nose and into your belly) (take several deep breaths) and find out what they think is happening. If you think you understood what they are trying to say, paraphrase. If you got their message the way they intended but they don’t know it, they are likely to keep repeating the message over and over with slight variation in the words. That is a clue that someone doesn’t think they have been understood and may be feeling defensive (or whatever other word you want to put to the increase in emotional intensity— likely a red word). People do that when they are trying to convey something and they aren’t getting an effective response. Break the pattern and help others do the same. Don’t demonize defensiveness. It’s a clue about what is happening. Use the clue to activate your awareness so you can change what is happening as constructively as possible. And for heaven’s sake, if everyone is defending and denying in your organization stop blaming the people and figure out what to do about it. Change the culture. It doesn’t have to be that way.