In the beginning there was Essence. Essence floated in warmth and protection, her needs being met immediately and without effort. Essence was one with all that she knew. 

Then something happened. Essence was separated. There were delays between wanting and getting. The delays were upsetting, and Essence expressed herself. Her expressions led to gratification of her needs! She was blissfully undifferentiated.

Slowly she noticed that she was separate. There were others like her, some very large, who would respond when she expressed herself. Sometimes fast, sometimes slow. Sometimes exactly as she hoped, other times in ways that didn’t match her needs! 

As Essence differentiated between herself and others, something new came into being. Ego was born.

The years went by, and Ego and Essence had been together as long as either could recall. It seemed like forever! Essence, living in the here and now, learned skills. Essence learned to walk and talk! She learned to use words, and to think in words. Ego loved the words, and applied them to self and others. I am me, you are _____ (mommy, daddy, grandpa, grandma, sister, brother, policemen, teacher, stranger, etc.). 

Ego began to believe the words! I am shy, I am social; I am smart, I am stupid; I am pretty, I am ugly; I am good at this, I am bad at that. He also began to believe his pretend emotions. “I am a happy person” he would say, even when he felt otherwise.

Ego began to protect Essence. Ego learned that expressing some thoughts and emotions upset the others! Ego began pretending not to feel or think those thoughts and emotions, and Ego was rewarded by the others! 

“Shields! Shields!” Like Captain Sulu in Star Trek VI, when Ego sensed danger, he became quick to raise the shields. So quick that it became a habit.

Years kept going by, and Ego started to forget about Essence! Ego got so good at protecting Essence, that Ego forgot that Essence was there! But Essence lived on inside Ego, and no matter how hard Ego pretended to be all that there was, in certain moments Essence would shine through. And that was nice! Ego and others liked it when Essence shown through. There was love flowing from Essence, or there was strength when Essence was angry. 

Ego began to have a harder time learning. When Essence was strong, and Ego was small, he had learned language and motor skills in a snap! Now he had doubts. “Math is too hard,” he would think. “When I make mistakes, people think I’m stupid.” Ego began to narrow his choices. 

He also began to be separated from some, while overly identifying with others. “We are alike,” he would think, usually so fast that he didn’t even notice he was thinking it. Or, with some fear, “we are different.” Again, this consciousness was as fast as the speed of laying eyes on the people. Ego was usually unware of making these distinctions, and equally unware of how his beliefs affected his emotions and behavior. The shields were up all the time! He needed Essence’s help!

As an adult, Ego noticed more and more when he was pretending. He would act happy even when he was troubled for example, both at home and at work. He got more and more tired playing such games! They were draining his energy supplies! And he could feel Essence inside him, tapping on the windowpanes of consciousness. He sensed that Essence was somehow important…more important than the façade he had painstakingly built over the years. He began to search for her.

The more he found her, the more he was her. The more he was her, the more content he became.

End of the story, beginning of a brief lesson[1]:

We all start like Essence.

Ego in this way of thinking is the outer protective layer of habits and beliefs, and in that sense always gets activated by authority (the parental figures in our lives), even appreciated authority. Ego wants to be appreciated by authority, and when there is doubt, raises the shields. 

Essence…pure here and now consciousness…can be in authority roles or be with authority figures without being altered in reaction to…because essence connects to essence. Tat tvam asi, Thou art that (Campbell, 1991, p7).

The “I’m this; I’m that” and “you’re this; you’re that” statements are ego’s need to define self. “I’m successful,” I’m unsuccessful,” “I’m extroverted,” “I’m introverted,” “You’re a good boss,’ “You’re a bad boss,” etc. Ego, comfortably in bed with the lizard brain (see the next chapter!), wants a predictable world, so it is easier to be safe. Like Laurel and Hardy painting a room, that quest for defining self and others in a fixed way, of imposing predictability on reality, paints the essence into an ever-shrinking corner of one’s consciousness. 

When present in the here and now such definitions become meaningless and outdated. 

How do we form the outer layer of habits? An example comes from a branch of psychology called “object relations,” which addresses the infant’s development of patterns of trust (high trust – self and other, high trust – other & low trust – self, high trust – self & low trust – other, and low trust- self and other). In this way of thinking, first borns tend towards a habit of high trust – self, low trust – others. Last borns tend towards high trust – others, low trust – self. Middle kids and only children are most likely to have high trust of self and other. Any child born into highly chaotic and emotionally intense circumstances may have low trust of self and of others. Important habits with life-long implications and all from the randomness of family size. Predictable, yet every journey is unique and highly variable. You are the best person equipped to know yourself, and the only one who can regain your essence.  

Much of who we are comes from the early family systems dance of separateness and togetherness. Did we get the “right” balance of separateness and togetherness? Did we get too much of one and too little of the other? We carry whatever we got into our relationships the remainder of our lives. 

Awareness and acceptance lead to increased freedom and choice. Awareness comes from a healthy ego, an ego that loves, nurtures, and accepts one’s essence. The moral of the story: Reclaim your essence.

[1] Adapted from Crosby, G. (2021). Spirituality and emotional intelligence: Wisdom from the world’s spiritual sources applied to EQ for leadership and professional development. Routledge. Taylor & Francis Group. Pages 61-72.

Excerpted from my upcoming book, “We all have issues.”